He was the only child that caused Shirley to scream when she gave birth. If you listen really, really carefully, you can still hear that scream today. It’s called Reality. Every major religion franchise has a really, with-it instigator. The Partridge Family Temple has Danny Partridge. He’s had other handles; Loki, Coyote, Hermes, the Hamburglar, Satan, Ashton Kutcher…I think your TV reception is clear.
Shirley Partridge is in a dark, TV studio that stretches to infinity. A man, bald on top with white hair on the sides and wearing a beige suit with a blue dress shirt and pink tie walks up to her. “Are you ready?” he asks.
“Yes”, she replies. “There’s no going back, you understand. Once we do this, it’s done.” Shirley smiles. “That’s why I came to you.”
The friendly bald man points to the left of him. There, in the black studio is a gigantic, queen-sized bed with a pattern of swirling red and orange sheets. Next to the bed is a bottle of liquor. The man opens it and pours a glass for both of them. Shirley sips from the cup, slowly. Then she starts to unzip her dress. She helps the man remove his clothes and they climb into bed. She straddles him and guides him in. He lets out an amazed shout of excitement. She starts to ride him, quicker and quicker, her back soft with sweat. Her face flushed.
As they ball, many TV monitors turn on and on each one, is a different image. Cities burn to the ground and war and great conflict fill the screens. Children scream. Earthquakes. Typhoons. The studio fills with the sound of human misery. And yet, in the midst of it, the sound of great beauty fills the studio as Shirley cries out as she orgasms over and over. The man throws back his head exhausted as he explodes into the most beautiful woman he’s ever made love to. She smiles and lays back. “Care for a smoke?” he asks.
“Normally, I’d say no, but today, why not?”
As they smoke in bed, they watch the TV monitors. They flicker in and out, static and vague images. Finally, the reception clears and on each one, is the same image. A small, orange-haired boy, his face freckled. He’s wearing green dungarees and an orange and white-striped t-shirt. On his feet, a pair of beat-up white sneakers with blue and yellow stripes on the side. As the child walks down the street, he flicks orange freckles from his face igniting trees and shrubbery. He laughs and goes onto the next tree. Soon the neighborhood is in flames. Finally, there’s a close-up of his face on the TV monitor. He’s smiling.
Shirley turns to the man and says, “We did it. It couldn’t have been done without you.”
The man bows his head and says, “It was an honor. I just hope you know what you’ve done.”
Shirley throws her head back and laughs.
Danny Partridge barrels into the house, “Mom! Mom! I’m hungry. When’s dinner going to be ready? Can I have a turtle for a pet? Do you think I can save up in a year and buy a plane? If I get straight A’s, can I buy an army and invade a small country and become king?”
Shirley smiles and says, “Have a brownie and a glass of milk and watch TV.”
Danny grabs the brownie and starts to gulp the milk as he sits in front of the TV. The commercial ends and Candid Camera begins. Danny screams out, “Groovy! My favorite TV show is on!”
Shirley’s face flushes as she remembers that day, years ago, when she got it on with a bald man in the TV studio. How he kept slapping her ass and saying, “Smile, baby. You’re on Candid Camera.”
DANNY MADE ME DO IT!
Do you like the color orange?
Do you like freckles?
Do you like burning entire cites to the ground?
Then…do we have a god for you!
Danny Partridge!
